Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Hillbilly Is Not A Language

Thank God for the internet. Or should I thank Al Gore? I don’t know. I’m still confused on who made the internet. My point is without email my husband and I would probably not be married.

See, I may not be the best arguer but I can craft a thoughtful, articulate email. When I say “may not be the best”, by the way, I mean I’m the absolute worst possible communicator when I’m angry, hurt, sad, hungry, sleepy or irritable (so any of the 7 dwarfs really).

Our arguments consist of me giving him the silent treatment until he figures out that I’m giving him the silent treatment (this could take a while).

Are you mad at me?

No, of course not. I’m just stomping through the house, huffing and puffing and sighing very loudly to let the robbers in the attic know we’re home. (I always think we have robbers. Why they haven't come out & robbed and/or murdered us already is besides the point.)

Then I announce in an odd, high-pitched, sing-songy voice what I’m mad about and how I can’t believe he *insert stupid thing/comment/action*.

He apologizes and SCENE, if this were a Jennifer Lopez rom-com.

But then he has to go and make it a THING. (Way to go, Mark)

So then we’re locked in a battle over something really important and we have to “talk it out”.

This wouldn’t be a problem if I could think on my feet. But I’m more like a “lie face down” kind of thinker when I’m angry. My points get jumbled; I speak in short hand known only to me, and butcher clichés on the regular. (FYI, I butcher cliches all the time.)

Exhibit A:

I didn’t even think about what I said earlier and I can see how it would make you feel but I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings.

*sob* It’s just….it really hurt my heart…*sob*…my feelings are sore…*SOB* …*SOB* …and, and *SOB* and you just pulled all the air out of my balloon…and lunch is gone....and now my day got a monkey in the wrench.

Translation: my feelings are hurt *sob* and with one comment you took the wind out of my sails *sob* your callous comments ruined my lunch hour and this argument threw a monkey wrench in my day.

Thank god for email because no one is going to win a fight sounding like that.

And I should probably never use cliches in an argument. Hillbilly is not a language.


Andy Lammers said...

You know, there really should have been an eighth dwarf named "Sarcastic". *THat* would have made Snow White a compelling movie.

Anonymous said...

nice opinion.. thanks for posting.

Kristen said...

Sarcasm Dwarf would have been a hit!

Kristen said...

Thanks for reading!

Caroline Glasgow said...

I am cracking up. You explained this all so well that I actually feel like I just watched this whole thing play out... and great transaltion on the *sob* convo because I was having trouble with that, lol. Keep up the blogging girl, totally gave me something interesting to read, ponder, and enjoy. :)

Gracie said...

I truly believe in not saying anything you don't mean or can not apologize for - - so...too often I sit there in silence trying to edit the fluent sarcasm that floods my brain when I'm upset....sometimes I fall asleep while in edit mode. Wake up - situation is now boring...move on. He may think my holding back of words is a stregnth. He doesn't need to know I couldn't come up with anything that I couldn't take back. bwah hahahaha If that keeps the peace - so be it.

Kristen @ The Chronicles of Dutch said...

You're so kind G! I wish I could be as zen during an argument. No zen for me!

Kristen said...

Thanks CG!!

Laura said...

Kristen, I can so relate to not being able to think on the spot. My arguments usually end up being something like "Oh yeah?'re a poo face!", or something really mature like that. Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog, by the way. As a new blogger, I really appreciate it! :)

Kristen @ The Chronicles of Dutch said...

Glad to know I'm not the only one!

Love your blog, Laura. I appreciate the comments as well :)

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