Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I Talk In My Sleep



(Urgent, hushed whisper)  Mark, Mark…  WAKE UP
What?
There are people staring at us!
WTF?   (Dangerous, underwear-clad husband jumps out of bed to defend his family)
WHERE ARE THEY?
Up there!  (Points to the ceiling)
*sigh* Kristen, go back to bed.  You’re dreaming
***************************************************
(Hushed whisper)   Mark, Mark, Wake UP!
What is it?
Is the crystal ok?
WHAT?
(Demandingly) I SAID, Is the crystal ok?
The crystal is fine.  Go back to sleep.
****************************************************
(Hushed whisper) Mark, Mark WAKE UP!
What?
(Shrieking, near panic) Where’s the baby? I CAN'T FIND THE BABY!
OHMYGOD!  WHERES THE BABY?  WHERE DID YOU PUT HER?
(After taking a breath) *Sigh* the baby is in her crib.  Go back to sleep.   
Oh, ok.
******************************************************
(Patting his head and whispering) Shhhh….it’s ok….it’s ok…
What are you doing?
Shhhhh…it’s ok….it’s ok
*sigh* Kristen go to sleep.  You’re dreaming. 
*****************************************************
What are you doing?  Pause.  KRISTEN! What are you doing?

(trying to pick up my husband like he was a baby)

Kristen, you're trying to squish me into a ball.  I'm not the baby.  Put me down. 

Go back to sleep.





Taxi Driver


 You talkin' to me?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Watch Out 2012!

I like having goals and making lists of those goals. (I really, really like making lists.  Its borders on OCD.)  It’s taken me a while to get on board the “new year, new goals” track.  I feel like a poser when I have January resolutions.  For some reason, they are always BIG GOALS, like climb Mt. Everest or lose 75 lbs.  Those never work.   So instead, I’m just going to set small but important goals for 2012. 
Another way in which I think I’ll be successful is either adding or subtracting one thing a week.  Instead of looking at a list a mile long I’m going to give myself 1 thing to focus on a week.  This will, hopefully, allow me to concentrate fully on the task each day and stop me from being overwhelmed. 
Week 1:  start taking my multi-vitamins again.  This isn’t hard and I’m not sure why I stopped but I need to get back on the train!
Week 2:  Wear Sunscreen – EVERY DAY! I’m 31 years old.  This needs to happen.  Or I'll be looking like this:
Week 3:  Drink 100 ounces of water a day.   My office supplies water in roughly 16 ounce bottles.  They also supply Diet Coke, which I’d much sooner drink, but 1 a day is enough.  6 of those bottles a day may be a bit much too just jump into so I’ll be upping my intake during Weeks 1 and 2. 

Week 4:  Make breakfast a priority.  Add whole grains, protein, fruits or veggie servings into breakfast.  I’ll be doing more research on what should constitute a reasonably healthy breakfast in the next few weeks to give you more specifics. 

Did you make any goals for 2012?  How are they coming? Any tips to keep this train headed in the right direction?   

Friday, January 13, 2012

Sucker for Supplements

I love to eat.  I love to eat good-for-you-food and not-so-good-for-you-food.  Lately the not-so-good-for-you-food has been winning out.  Hello Holidays!  So in order to bring me back into a better balance, I've been adding a supplement to my diet. Don't get me wrong - clearly eating the actual fruits and vegetables is the best way to get the nutritious benefits but with a new baby at home I'm having a hard time getting all the recommended servings in.

I've started adding Green Super Food from Amazing Grass Super Food into my drinks in the morning and afternoon.   I first read about the products a long time ago on Jenna's blog, Eat, Live, Run.  I loved how you could add it to your protein shakes in the morning or just add the powder to some OJ, milk or water and off you go.  I'm not going to lie.  The smell and taste is a little hard to get used to, but it didn't take me too long to start swigging it down!  I drink a packet in 1/2 cup of OJ in the morning and another packet in the afternoon.  Each packet has a a blend of organic grasses, antioxidants, fibers and digestive enzymes.

I've been drinking it for about 10 days now.  While I'm not noticing any great big improvements, I feel like its one small step to better, healthier eating habits.  I've already ordered another batch and I'm going to try their energy formula too.  I'll let you know how that works out and how I'm fairing in a few weeks.  Anyone else have any favorite supplements they love to use?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Home Alone

I admit it. I’m one sloped forehead away from a Neanderthal.  If it weren’t for my husband I’d be in my sweats, on the couch, slurping butter noodles, switching between Bravo and E every night.  Mark is the more civilized one in the relationship.   He cooks.  And not just man food.  His dishes are plate-licking good.  He makes meals that I am way too lazy to even read the recipes for.  And ladies, don’t get too excited, but he also washes the pans!  I HATE washing pans.  This translates into “rinsing” them off before using them again.   And on occasion, when he guilt trips me into it, he makes me watch some really interesting shows on TV. Granted they are all nerdy but I do feel a bit more educated when I turn off the TV than after my shows.  
So when he travels for work it’s like the wheels have come off the bus.   My life becomes one huge, complicated mess.  Add Ella to the mix and I need a stiff drink before 9:00 am.    Its only Wednesday, but I’ve already eaten way too much fast food (no leftovers for lunch so I guess I have to eat Chik-Fil-A again, twist my arm…), the dishes from this weekend are quietly taking over the countertop (plans for total kitchen domination are in the works), the clothes pile on the couch will not be touched until 10 minutes before he comes in the door (and then it will be thrown on the chair in the bedroom).  
I have two more days of this.  I’m tired.  I want him to come home.  I want real food again.  I’ll even watch the History Channel without complaint.  At least until the Kardashians come on.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Body After Baby

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my body.  Mostly hate.  I’m not sure I ever remember a time where I didn’t fantasize about thinner thighs or sculpted arms (or at least the non-wing variety).  My hair was always that weird in-between – not really straight and not super curly.  Coming from a long line of pseudo-giants, my 5’11 frame will never be considered petite in any way.  I have thighs, I have a butt, I have a budda-belly.   I always thought I wanted to be skinny or be smaller – not “stick out” so much.  I have since determined that what I really want is just to be at peace in my body.  I don’t need to love it at every turn but I need to be at peace with it.  And all I had to do was have a baby.  Who knew?!
 That’s right.  I had a baby and it actually IMPROVED my body issues.  I’m as shocked as you!  In addition, to the whole "miracle of childbirth" thing,  seeing myself 9th months pregnant made me realize that my pre-baby body wasn’t as bad as I believed it to be.    
When I found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t kind to myself.  I constantly worried about weight gain, stretch marks, and nutrition.  I counted calories, I monitored protein in-take, and I slathered on super expensive creams (even though stretch marks have nothing to do with keeping your skin moist, which I knew).  As I grew my little nugget, I would envision how the construction workers would have to dismantle the one side of my house to get my fat, 9 month pregnant body to the hospital.   (BTW, don’t worry – I gained the requisite amount of weight for my height/body mass, as determined by my doctor).   I tried to stay in my pre-maternity pants for as long as possible, somehow seeing it as a ‘win’.   My body issues were taking over this huge moment in my life.
As my waistline expanded, a weird feeling hit me.  I’m not even sure what it was that lit the flame but all of a sudden, I wanted my old body back.  Yep, the one that I had condemned and belittled, degraded and despised.  The body I had criticized to countless friends and acquaintances, hell, even total strangers might have gotten an earful of how badly my body let me down!  But now, I wanted things back to normal.  I didn’t care what the tag said in my jeans, it really is just a pair of jeans.  There was no bigger meaning in that dumb number.  I wanted to look like me again. 
That was when I realized that I was not Quasimodo afterall.   Here I was doing the most important job on earth – making a baby – and let me tell you, baby building is a freaking miracle.  She is perfect in every way.  And my body did that.  Granted, she has some pretty smart genes from her Daddy but I was the project manager, on site every minute of her little construction.   It’s a pretty big deal.
3 months and some change later I am more confident than I have ever been about my body.  Is it perfect? Far from it.  But the freedom from not counting calories, or stepping on a scale has been worth it.  I haven’t journaled my food or exercise habits in months.  My husband loves me, Quasimodo body, 9th month pregnant body, and post-baby body.  That feels fantastic.  I feel free.  I feel at peace.  I feel like me. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Requesting an A&E Intervention

As my husband will tell you I'm a TV-aholic.  I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I love me some TV.  And the trashier the better.  Reality TV is literally aimed right at me.  Storage Wars? Have you seen this?! This should have no appeal to me whatsoever. I'm not burly, nor do I wear old t-shirts with the sleeves ripped off.  I don't like to touch dirty things and all those things in boxes look dirty to me.  But OMG! These feisty weirdos battling it out over storage lockers pulls me in every time.  I just saw where they are doing Storage Wars Texas.  I live in Texas so I can only imagine the level of awesome in store.  And American Pickers - I want to gobble Frank and Mike up with a spoon! And I want to tag along in their weird little Euro van.

I cry at A&E's Intervention  EVERY. TIME.  I try to guess at the beginning of the show if the focus of the intervention will accept the help and stay clean or refuse. Its my little game to make it less soul-crushing for me.  I'm usually wrong and end up sad and depressed.  Hoarders used to be DVR'd religiously but after the first season the hoarding became so grotesque (I know they have a mental problem but still...) and my gag reflex is just too sensitive that I had to give it up.  But don't worry...

My newest drug of choice is the OWN network.  Not just any one show but an entire network! Manna from Heaven!

Granted, the early days of OWN were a struggle.  There was a lot of channel surfing.  Some "What the HELL was she thinking?" And a ton of "Why can't she just do her show for another 25 years? It doesn't look that hard." I'm fairly certain that the network bigwigs forgot that you need actual TV shows if you are going to run a TV network.   

Then BAM! It just got so freaking good.  Lisa Ling is so my girl crush and her "Our America" show...A-MAZING.   Did you see the average American family doing Internet porn? I had no idea this happened outside of the Bunny Ranch!  

The big guns came out though when the O got back on TV.  THANK GOD.  She did this amazing month long series, one show a night,  entitled Life Class.  I was on maternity leave at the time and I'd DVR the episode and then watch it the next day.  Pretty much anytime I had a conversation that didn't center around the baby's poop schedule I was trying to showcase what I learned in Oprah's Life Class.  Like she could somehow see me and grade me on what I learned.  If I hadn't had a baby screaming in my ear I would have taken notes - that is how crazy good it was! (Side note: I didn't say I wasn't weird.)

And finally the show they've been advertising for 2 months premiered on Sunday.  Oprah's Next Chapter is her one-on-one in someones home just being all Oprah-y.  I was salivating as 9:00pm drew nearer.  And it was awesome sauce.  It's Oprah at her best - talking to people all homey and comforting in one breath and the next she's all new-age guru.   I nearly wet myself.  I had no idea the pull she had on me.  She's my meth.

I consider it a blessing and probably a pivotal element in what makes our marriage work that my hubs doesn't really care for TV because clearly I have a problem.