I Talk In My Sleep

(Urgent, hushed whisper)  Mark, Mark…  WAKE UP

What?

There are people staring at us!

WTF?   (Dangerous, underwear-clad husband jumps out of bed to defend his family)

WHERE ARE THEY?

Up there!  (Points to the ceiling)

*sigh* Kristen, go back to bed.  You’re dreaming

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(Hushed whisper)   Mark, Mark, Wake UP!

What is it?

Is the crystal ok?

WHAT?

(Demandingly) I SAID, Is the crystal ok?

The crystal is fine.  Go back to sleep.

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(Hushed whisper) Mark, Mark WAKE UP!

What?

(Shrieking, near panic) Where’s the baby? I CAN'T FIND THE BABY!

OHMYGOD!  WHERES THE BABY?  WHERE DID YOU PUT HER?

(After taking a breath) *Sigh* the baby is in her crib.  Go back to sleep.   

Oh, ok.

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(Patting his head and whispering) Shhhh….it’s ok….it’s ok…

What are you doing?

Shhhhh…it’s ok….it’s ok

*sigh* Kristen go to sleep.  You’re dreaming. 

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What are you doing?  Pause.  KRISTEN! What are you doing?

(trying to pick up my husband like he was a baby)

Kristen, you're trying to squish me into a ball.  I'm not the baby.  Put me down. 

Go back to sleep.