Wednesday, February 1, 2012

4 Months and 6 Days

4 months and 6 days.   That is how long I've been a Mom.  The first two weeks and then the next two weeks were the hardest weeks of my life.   I was fairly certain I’d made a mistake – I wasn’t cut out to be a mom.  The thing I thought I wanted was so unfamiliar and so tough and so demanding that thoughts of sending her to Grandma and Grandpa’s for a few years flooded my brain.   I was unsure of every move I made.  I slept in increments of minutes not hours (standard practice, I know).  I cannot be certain of how many showers I took those first weeks but let’s just say it wasn’t a lot (again, fairly standard).   I cried many days, some for hours and some for only minutes but I cried almost every day.  For those crazy, stressful, mind-numbing weeks, I clung to the one piece of hope I had: “It will get better”.  My best friend, who lives states away, would text or email me that sentence every few days – when she was diagnosed with reflux, when the first medicines didn’t do anything, when I got mastitis, when I got the second round of mastitis, when we had to stop breastfeeding, when the formula didn’t agree, when the 2nd and 3rd formula’s didn’t work.   I clung to that little piece of hope. 
And now…it is beyond anything I could ever imagine.  I didn’t get that burst of baby love when they plopped her on my chest after she was born.  It took me a while to feel that deep emotional connection but I think I’ve made up for that.  She fills my heart with a joy I wasn’t prepared for or believed was possible.   And I can’t imagine life without her.   I’m sure it sounds cliche and sappy (I would have said the same thing 4 months and 6 days ago!) but it’s cliche for a reason.  
Our lives were so thoroughly enriched when Ella came into our world.   She is our little nugget of wonderful.   I've been told it gets even better than this...but I can't imagine how. 

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