(Side note: “Let’s Get Healthy” should be sung to the tune of “Let’s Get Physical” by Olivia Newton John. It just makes sense.)
In the spirit of “Let’s Get Healthy” I had to measure myself last night. It wasn’t pretty. Mainly because I don’t know how to work a tape measure. Do you put the metal end piece thing-y so it’s just touching the other end of the tape measure or on top of the tape measure? I took livestock in 4-H because I thought it would be a good way to meet boys so my sewing skills are lacking. (Note: if you like making out with someone that smells like manure then, yes, it is a great place to meet boys.)
That is not the point, however. The point IS: I had to measure myself last night. Measuring a few areas on your body is supposed to be a good way to tell if you’re losing inches. Pounds lost is not always the best guide. It's also a good way to become an alcoholic.
So for those of you looking to make a change and want to get started, I’ve made a quick step-by-step guide:
1. Figure out how to use the tape measure.
2. Wrap the tape measure around the body part you choose to start with. For example, I chose my thigh.
3. Stare, disbelievingly, at said number.
4. Deny that that number is correct.
5. Re-do the measurement.
6. Start whimpering.
7. DENY the measurement.
8. Storm out of bathroom.
9. Grab a glass of wine.
10. Measure, AGAIN.
11. Commence bawling.
Sip glass of wine. Grab the bottle of wine.
13. Lie on bathroom floor.
14. Order a pizza.The following steps are crucial, y'all:
15. Have your significant other tell you that you are awesome and perfect and lovely no matter what that stupid tape measure says.**Crucial**
16. Wipe nose with his shirt.
17. Throw away tape measure.
Clearly there was a reason those manure boys and I didn’t work out.
Photo credit: Flickr