Just Throw Away "What to Expect When You are Expecting"

Today is day 3 of going back to work after having our little nugget, Ella, back in September.  Her little 6 lb 3 ounce arrival in our life completely turned it upside down.  While I was never in the Boy Scouts I pride myself on living their motto "Be Prepared"(my Brownie/Girl Scout tenure was short lived so I never learned what their motto is) .   I read the books, I dragged my husband to the classes, we talked to other moms but the one thing that has stuck out for me is that there is no way to be prepared for this event.  Hold on to your butts! Anyone catch that Jurrasic Park reference? Only me, then? Ok, moving on...

I was not prepared for that little personality.  At 3 months she can show displeasure by the meer hint of a raised eyebrow.   She's like the Godfather. If she asked us to 'off' someone I am not sure I would even hesitate.  Her lips are perfectly pursed when she refuses her bottle (and yes, I bottle feed, sorry la letche league!).  She laughs and babbles at this crazy little monkey toy, which I imagine is sick to death of hearing all about these hacks God gave her as parents. "Can you believe they thought I'd sit in a bouncy chair that just ran out of batteries? A bouncy chair without bounce is no chair at all.  Do they even know me?" She can be just as cheerful at a 6:30 am wake up call as she is at 9:30 (clearly a trait she picked up from her Dad).

I was also not prepared for the all feelings about this little human.  They come out looking like little aliens - shriveled, scrawny (in our case), arms & legs flailing. They scream and shout and manically suck on their fingers. I didn't feel an immediate love or an immediate bond as I'd heard most every other mom recount.  Thankfully, I have an amazing best friend who relayed the truth - it can take a while for some moms to get those feelings.  But as I went back to work on Tuesday for the first time in 3 months I cried like I have never cried before.  Big, ugly sobs.  You know the cry - all sniffles and snot. Cried in the elevator up to my office.  Cried in the bathroom.  I missed her like crazy.  I missed her snuggles (or my attempt to snuggle, her attempt to punch me in the face).  I missed putting her down for a nap and seeing her eye lids struggle to stay open to watch the last remaining minutes of Ellen (she loves her T.V.).  But seeing her at the end of the day, clearly well taken care of (possibly even spoiled a little with all the extra love and attention) I felt fantastic.  I felt more like myself than I have in 3 months.  Maybe it was the structure to my day or the ability to wear non-sweat pant pants or just putting in my contacts before 11:00am.  Whatever it is made day 2 and 3 a lot easier to deal with.  So maybe this going back to work thing, while hard, will be a good thing for me and for Ella.  I wasn't prepared for that either! Another one to add to the ever growing list.